i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
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