but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
