i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
