she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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