Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Congratulations! We have a period
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