I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Randomize
