if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
