please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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