Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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