READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
