I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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