and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
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