First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
