I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
