the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
