I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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