hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
