I wish my penis had an off switch
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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