I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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