dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
