Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Randomize
