I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
somebody snuck up and got me drunk
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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