rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
