Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Actions speak louder than pants.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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