I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
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