So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
