I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
