Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
