Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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