saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
