kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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