You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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