K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Define "chronic" masturbator.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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