the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
