I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
