I dont kno what was worse. Waking up 2 a guy next to me thinking I got blackout or realizing it was your boyfriend.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
