He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
