ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
