does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
