She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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