I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
