I'm so fucking centered right now
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
