I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
you inspire me to be a worse person
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
