I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
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