A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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