Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
