what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
