I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
