I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
did i just pee glitter
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
