how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Randomize
