I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
